Learned Helplessness, What is it and How Do We Deal With it to Promote Independence?
Have you ever noticed your child asking for help with things that you know they can do on their own? Maybe there’s a simple task that developmentally they should be able to do but they refuse to try it on their own. This could be due to something called learned helplessness.
Learned helplessness is when a child or adult has always had a specific task completed for them or had help with a certain task allowing them to feel that they can't complete the task on their own or at all.
It can also stem from repetitive negative outcomes or perceived failures at a task, leading the individual to feel they have no control over what's happening. Tasks can range from something as simple as zipping up their coat to something more complex like spreading peanut butter on their toast or preparing themselves a snack.
So what do we do? We can help empower our children or other adults in our lives to try things on their own by encouraging independence and praising their efforts at the task, as opposed to the outcome. Providing the child with help at first and ensuring that through this assistance, you are explaining and showing them what you are doing, as opposed to doing it for them. Incorporate the individual into the task as much as possible from the beginning and then gradually let them try it on their own. This may sound simple, but can come with significant pushback from the person who has had certain tasks performed for them for as long as they remember. If your child is begging for your help with something, tell them to try it on their own first, then you will help if they need it. Model good coping behaviors, showing your children when you've made a mistake and engage them in a conversation about how you may feel about it and what you can do to cope with it. Showing that mistakes happen and nobody is perfect helps decrease their expectation of perfect outcomes when they try something.
Refrain from rescuing
Adults are often swooping in to help children when they show the first sign of difficulty or struggle. Facing and overcoming challenges is a vital part of the learning process. We need to provide opportunities for them to feel empowered and independent when they solve the problem to achieve the desired outcome. As hard as it may be to hold back when you see your child struggling with a task, let them try on their own. Try to refrain from offering corrections/suggestions which can make the child feel overwhelmed or inadequate.
Scaffold the task
Scaffolding is setting up a task for the child to complete the part they are ready for. If a child is working on zipping their coat, load the zipper for them and then have them pull the zipper up. We can gradually increase their independence by decreasing the amount of scaffolding provided as they gain the skills they need. For example, load the zipper, then have the child stabilize the bottom of the coat with one hand and pull the zipper with the other hand. Sometimes these things are not innately learned by children and you may need to explicitly teach your child the steps of the tasks that seem second nature to us.
Let them ask for help if they need it
Try to decrease the amount of times you jump in and assist your child. Allow them to try on their own, then come and get you for help if they need it. Encourage them to come to you with the item or object they need help with instead of dropping what your doing and running to their side. This teaches them to respect other people's time and responsibilities while also increasing the likelihood they'll problem solve on their own because it takes more work to get up and walk to you for help.
Some other suggestions to help improve your child's independence throughout the home and help curb learned to helplessness.
Encourage your children to take accountability for their belongings and possessions. Begin asking them to hang their backpack and coat in a specific spot every day after school and ensure that the hook is somewhere they can reach without your help or place a stepstool near the coat rack so that they can reach the hooks without your help. Start with verbal reminders if they forget to hang up their belongings but then continue to expect them to do this task so that they are accountable for their belongings and reinforce things like picking up after themselves. You can expand on this by asking them to place their shoes in a certain spot and then gradually include their toys in the living room or their bedroom, etc. You can also ask them to bring their dishes to the sink after dinner, placing a step stool at the sink if they can’t reach. If they’re old enough, you can even show them how to put their dish in the dishwasher. These everyday tasks help children feel accountable and independent, setting them up for accountability in adolescent and young adult years.
Create a designated spot of child friendly cups, dishes and silverware in a spot the child can reach and have easy access to. Teach your children how to fill up their water bottles or cups of water so that they can get their own drinks when they get thirsty and not rely on a parent to meet this basic need, freeing up some of your time as well. Keep a stash of snacks you don’t mind them having access to and teach them how to open all of the containers/packaging for those snacks. This teaches them to meet their own basic needs with less reliance on adults. They may require some help at first, but always encourage them to try on their own first before they ask for help. Never jump in right away and help your child with something unless they have tried it on their own first whether it’s a task you know they can complete on their own or not.
Encourage your child to come to you when they need help or have a question instead of running to them when they call out your name from across the room or house. If they are the ones in need, they can take the extra effort to seek out the assistance. This could also set them up to be less intimidated by seeking out a teacher, coach, professor, supervisor, or coworker for advice or assistance down the road.